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DIALOGUE TAGS - A STUDY IN COMMON ERRORS
by Jennifer Turner
Verb and
Subject
Incorrect:
"I bet you two had a fine time,"
said Ben.
When using tags, it’s unusual to have the verb before
the subject. The general rule of thumb is to use this construction sparingly,
as a rare change in pace or flow. In addition, many editors are asking this
construction not appear at all in a manuscript.
Correct:
"I bet you two had a fine time," Ben said.
The Comma and As
Incorrect:
"Do you kiss toads often? Or are you
just a little weird?" Betty asked, wrinkling her nose in distaste.
"I
often find the little green guys cute. You should try it sometime," Bertha said
as she giggled.
In both instances, the comma after asked, and the
‘as’ after said, indicate the dialogue tag isn’t necessary. Each
is greatly improved by removing the tag and allowing the following sentence to
stand on its own.
Correct:
"Do you kiss toads often?
Or are you just a little weird?" Betty wrinkled her nose in distaste.
"I often find the little green guys cute. You should try it sometime."
Bertha giggled.
Unnecessary Tags
Incorrect:
Mary scoffed at the idea. "I don’t think you want me at your
party," she replied.
Since we are firmly in Mary’s head at the
point of her dialogue, it can be assumed it is her reply. If you use a tag like
this, ask yourself if it’s really necessary. Is it obvious this is her
reply? Then you don’t need it. New writer’s struggle with the idea
that every bit of dialogue needs to be accredited to a character, otherwise the
reader will be confused. The idea is to write so well from one character’s
perspective, that the reader will immediately tell who’s dialogue it is.
Correct:
Mary scoffed at the idea. "I don’t think
you want me at your party."
Over Explaining the Tag
Incorrect:
"I don’t care if you kiss all the frogs in
the world, you aren’t bringing that toad to my party," Shelly warned, her
voice rising.
Ask yourself these questions when you find yourself
hunting for words to explain the dialogue in the tag:
Is Shelly’s
dialogue showing her warning?
Is it clear from what Shelly says that
her voice is rising?
What am I trying to show Shelly feeling with this
tag?
You won’t need to ask yourself these questions as you
discover your own style more, but in the meantime, it’s a good idea to
look through your tags to see if any of them could be replaced, or simply
deleted. Her outrage could have been shown much better by this sentence:
Correct:
"I don’t care if you kiss all the frogs in
the world, you aren’t bringing that toad to my party." Shelly glared,
hands on hips.
Conjunction Tags
Incorrect:
"You look lovely in that dress," Biff said, "and I think you’re going
to be the belle of the ball."
Although this break is all right
occasionally, it should be used with extreme caution. A better approach is to
lend depth to the moment at the break.
Correct:
"You
look lovely in that dress." Biff leaned closer, his words a whisper against her
flesh. "I think you’re going to be the belle of the ball."
Showing Impact
Incorrect:
She wanted to
scream, to run for help, but she remained frozen, like a trapped animal. "You
killed him for money?"
"Exactly," he said.
"How could you?"
She asked as adrenalin rushed movement back into her limbs and she backed away.
Obviously this is an excerpt from a larger scene. By the time the
reader finds this exchange, they’ll be familiar with all the players. To
add impact to a statement, it’s sometimes best to leave a tag off
entirely, especially with a two-character exchange.
Correct:
She wanted to scream, to run for help, but she remained frozen, like a
trapped animal. "You killed him for money?"
"Exactly."
"How
could you?" Adrenalin flooded her limbs and she backed away.
Multiple Tags
Incorrect:
"You have to
understand," Sean said as he clenched her wrists tighter. His eyes darkened
with a menacing plea as he stated, "He was evil, I had to do it."
In
this paragraph, we are firmly in Sean’s head by the action described in
the middle, there is no need to explain he is still speaking.
Correct:
"You have to understand." Sean clenched her wrists
tighter. His eyes darkened with a menacing plea. "He was evil, I had to do it."
As with any rules in writing, there are always exceptions. However,
once you’ve changed any of the problematic tags in your work to these more
active and exciting tags, you’ll find the pace of your work becomes faster
and the work overall is much cleaner.
ABOUT THE
AUTHOR
Author of dozens of articles and award winning short stories,
Jennifer Turner offers caring and concise critiques for aspiring authors
without the high cost of big business editorial services at,
ROTO-WRITER
CRITIQUE SERVICE.
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES
1)
Dialogue: Techniques and Exercises for Crafting Effective
Dialogue by Gloria Kempton
2)
Writing Dialogue by Tom Chiarella
3)
Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction by Harvey
Stanbrough
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